This post is not meant to explain any breakthrough discovery, or really anything you do not already know: friendships come to an end, sometimes. Often, for some of us. Everywhere, you find advice on how to get over a romantic breakup, or what to look for in a partner, but who really teaches us who to choose as a friend, and how to make the relationship last or on the contrary, let it end when the time comes? I would have loved to know who to turn to for advice, but I have never found the right fit.
The objective is to open your eyes to the question and see together that making friends is not necessarily easy as an adult, and that losing friends is part of the process of evolution. Are you ready?
Two types of relationships?
Some people will jump straight and think “OMG, did she dare?!” because they think friendships are much more important than romantic relationships, and others will sit there and think “No way, making friends is not a priority as an adult”. I think the question is not to know which type of relationship is more important, but to understand that they are both essential to our human experience. At least, this is my opinion. The problem is constant pressure, especially in our late teens/early twenties, to choose between the two. However, if both are important, no comparison should be drawn between them as they are fully independent. This is where we make a first mistake, taking advice on one type of relationship to apply it to the other – they have a life of their own and must be treated as such.
On making friends as an adult
If, at a younger age, going to school helps to make friends as we are quite literally put in a classroom with people of the same age and roughly similar interests and worries, it becomes a little trickier as an adult. Of course, you go to work, but there you see a disturbing rivalry, and/or your colleagues have absolutely no interest in what you like. Also, making friends at work is not always a good idea, considering the place of office politics nowadays.
Thus, my only advice here would be to consider the act of making friends as a non-act. Yes, I know, this sounds counter-intuitive, but is it really? Trying hard will not bring you anything good in the matter. The only thing you have to do is, maybe, and if it makes sense for you (no need to attract extroverts if you can barely put a toe out), go out a little more to provoke the opportunities. Aside from that, just be natural and quirky. Do you really need to attract people who do not understand who you are? If you pretend to be what you believe is a “more likeable” person, then you set yourself up for disappointment.
If this is true for both romantic and platonic relationships, the following piece of advice is not. One of the beautiful traits of friendships is that you may have as many friends as interests – your chosen friend does not have to meet all your expectations, and it can be pretty far from that. It took me a long time to understand this last bit, but it is vital to me as an adult. There are the friends I never see but who I call when I am feeling like I am drowning in my worries, and the friends I often see and who I like having a light chat about books over coffee. This does not mean there is one friend more important than the other, however: I am a multifaceted being who has different moods at different times, and thus I spend my time with different people. This is also how you respect everyone’s boundaries.
On losing friends and evolving
When I lost my first friends, I wish someone had told me that, so let me be that person for you: losing a friend does not mean you have a problem. Sometimes, you are actually the person who has acted like sh*t: if so, acknowledge it, learn from it, apologize, and move on. However, sometimes, other people treat you badly, or even more often, nothing central happens: you just fall out of friendship. If someone treats you badly, it is on this person to solve the issue: just like for romantic relationships, you may have something to learn (e.g., set stronger boundaries) but you are in no way responsible for the actions of another adult human being. In general, what happens is due to changes in lifestyle and perspectives: you simply fall out of friendship, especially after university. Everyone finds their own path – or looks for it, as I am still not convinced there is such a thing as one right path – and more often than not, these paths are different. This is OK, and every stage of your life will have its share of path turns and vanishing friendships. It does not make you a bad friend or a bad person: it is actually a good sign of your evolution into the most suitable version of yourself for this period of life (and of your friend’s rightful evolution as well). What better thing can we wish upon anybody we love? Also, sometimes the friendship does not vanish fully: there are many former besties I am still in touch with today, but from afar as in this stage of our lives, our priorities differ – this is okay, and it does not prevent me from loving them deeply. Besides, and I will end the post here, sometimes a friend in your teens disappears in your early twenties and reappears in your thirties: stages of life evolve all the time and it happens that paths connect again: this is why I love the version of “falling out of friendships” as contrary to those stories we hear about betrayal, you can totally fall back “into friendship” at a later stage. Doors are open, and your role is simply to let people come and go. I am aware this is tough sometimes, but everyone is their own fully individual human being and there is nothing you can do against changes if not welcoming them with open arms and an open spirit, reminding yourself that you are evolving too and that it is beautiful. ♡
The English-speaking Frenchie 